OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
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When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows