OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
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[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.