OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
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Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.