OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
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Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty