Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.

i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch

There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight

Throws bra on the floor

I feel much better

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way

[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]

me: when is the Jerk King off?

chef: what

My five year plan is a meteorite

“What are you going to wear today?”

Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.

Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”

Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.

shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo

me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.

I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.

The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.

Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti

Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that

if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way

I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!

Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd

[1st day as a Transformer]

GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95

ME: (becomes a Decepticon)

Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.

F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.

Next day

F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.

Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?