Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.

It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.

Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!

15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.

Me: ……sooo handsome though..

[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]

How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?

No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies

I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn

Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.

Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.

Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.

They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo

I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.

My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man

My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.

Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!

Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*

Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them

Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.

Her: I like dogs

Me: *dies in 10-13 years*

A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do

My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.

Him: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Usually.

Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES

Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin

Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up

Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor

I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.

How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?