Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?

A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”

Favourite diary entry ever

Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences

Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.

funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings

My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots

It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18

And that’s just for the alcohol

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.

Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?

Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.

Wife:………………….

If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?

Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner

Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.

Walgreens guy: You still need to leave

Cats are about as useful as a football bat.

Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics

Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.

The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

GMO bananas: turn brown for what?

I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.

Bite me.

I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed

i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.

didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about

A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.

😂🤣😂🤣

My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.

My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.

9 circles of hell in this economy?