Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song

Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.

Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.

Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?

Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?

Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”

My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.

I remember when all this was farmland!

*gestures toward internet*

MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW

Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.

[Commercial]

*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*

Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”

[On Screen Caption]

TEETH

This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.

Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.

Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.

*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

girlfriend: we need to talk

me: ok what’s up

girlfriend: I’m pregnant

me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO

carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full.

A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.

DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman

Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!

Female reproductive system: Hold my beer

WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.

Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)

How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?

I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.

Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.

*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*

Me: This is going to be so great.

*sleeps for 4 hours*

Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.

Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?

*sets up 10 security questions for online account*

*clicks on “remember me”*

Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?

Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”

Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go

Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go

Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this