Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
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Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
My daily affirmation
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.