Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
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5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Damn what did I do next
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00