Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!

There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.

uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage

Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?

You make a compelling argument, Morty.

[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!

5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?

Me: No

Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?

Me: Because he’s met me

Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”

Her: Says who?

Me: Sesame

I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.

There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.

Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.

in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground

My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.

You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past

Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.

I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.

bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”

i won

honestly, i need both:

A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.

Her: I love it when we finish each other’s

Him: pancakes

in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.

FRIEND: do you drive stick?

ME: no I drive car.

her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?

me: he’s my life coach

her: you wanna go to olive garden?

*duck whispers in my ear*

me: that’s a yes

I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.

Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.

I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be

“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”

They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.

They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.

Me: (Sneezes)

Microchip in my left arm: Bless you