Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
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I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.