Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
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Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Going into Monday like
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?