ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
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can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave