Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids

Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup

I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.

FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!

My comment: So was the Titanic.

Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake

haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors

me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up

wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs

A charcuterie board is just dry soup

[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”

“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”

All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own

I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

HUSBAND: Why are you late?

ME: I was at church.

HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?

I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.

me: wHaT iS It DocToR

dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people

me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

[At the therapists]

Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.

Therapist: That’s the spirit!

Me: Holy shit! Where?

you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years

Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams

ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax

ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive

100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion

I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.

Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.

*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.

me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*

my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant

me: *eye twitch intensifies*

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.

I’ve fallen on some hard Times.

My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.