OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
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Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.
My tenant and his wife got into a huge fight last week and filed for divorce. He said “I’m bringing her Christmas gift back” then proceeded to drag a WRAPPED mop out the door and now I want to know more about this fight.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread