OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
You Might Also Like
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
*files a restraining order against reality*
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.