OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
You Might Also Like
#merica
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.