Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Posting this on behalf of a friend

It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC

Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream

HOST: Make yourself at home!

ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.

You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.

Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice

For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”

Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.

[watching christmas movie]

Me: who’s your favorite character?

Daughter: I like the grinch.

Me: but he’s the bad guy.

Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.

Me:

Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?

When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.

[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?

relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing

People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.

All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself

What a year we’ve had this week.

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.

Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.

A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.

True freaking story!

My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.

[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.

HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.

Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.

While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.

Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.

If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.

Carry on floating head selfie chick.