Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
You Might Also Like
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I just need money.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.