Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
You Might Also Like
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!