Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
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If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Oh deer
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting