ok hear me out: Luigiana
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Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start