OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
You Might Also Like
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Krampus.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.