Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
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We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.