Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
You Might Also Like
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.