Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”

Outside: [*raining clowns*]

I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.

Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?

Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!

Guinness: …
(tilts her head)

As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?

Trooper: State Police identify yourself

Me: Police identify yourself

Trooper: State Police

Me: Police

Just got a message from my kid’s teacher that she still needs someone to sign up for plates/napkins for the Christmas party and this is a trap, right?

*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok

Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE

Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.

Me: I won’t force religion on my child

Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*

No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.

So jealous of the roads getting plowed right now.

yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days

As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?

I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.

*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*

“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”

That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.

I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.

[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]

the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it

Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.

Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.

I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.

Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??

me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”

korean waiter: we do not serve this dish