OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
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My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
What are some weird things about living in the modern world?
I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.
Yes I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods