OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
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Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?