OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
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On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans
The Onion called it…again.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Pass gas, not judgment.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.