OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
You Might Also Like
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh