OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
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11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
The pen is writier than the sword.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Aaaa…CHOO!
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*