“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
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[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.