ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
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I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.