ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
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I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
White Castle for the Win
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.