Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
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colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Bruh
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills