If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
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me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
6 to his brother: Hey man, all I want is some oatmeal and a nap.
It’s a joy raising an 80 year old man.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Real men don’t run from problems, they fix them. Unless it’s really scary
Why are things sent by car called shipments, and things sent by ships called cargo?
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
[front of card]
No one will find your body
as attractive as I do
[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft