@Timothygriff317

Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock

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@julcasagrande

If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.

@pilau

me: omg you’re dying

my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room

me: [crying] I wish I could help

@HiddleDeeDee

6 to his brother: Hey man, all I want is some oatmeal and a nap.

It’s a joy raising an 80 year old man.

@samdunsiger

Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.

@foodfacenow

Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean

@jake_lach

Real men don’t run from problems, they fix them. Unless it’s really scary

@FUN

Why are things sent by car called shipments, and things sent by ships called cargo?

@KentWGraham

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.

@ElleOhHell

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft