Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids

My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.

My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.

And that’s what happened your honour.

Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.

*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*

BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup

don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form

I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.

I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant

Me: no sweat

ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

“What are you going to wear today?”

Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.

My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.

I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move

[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]

Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!

*Starts doing laundry*

Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go

friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”

hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter

Meow

Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby

Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.

cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or

[GOD CREATING BEES]

G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.

Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.

Marriage.

What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?