Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
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Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Monday
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
who did the taste test?
