Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
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Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
excuse me
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Not helping
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner