Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.

Now, where’s the sport in that?

Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.

person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!

me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen

“no gods no masters” = leo

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?

If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.

ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.

fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss

It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.

I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.

Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.

Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?

An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.

traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again

A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you

I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.

So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.