OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
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I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
🤯🤯🤯
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator