OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
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Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president