OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
You Might Also Like
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber