OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
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WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
😭😭😭
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Guilty! 🤪
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
