Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
