Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
the trade off from turning 50 is you cant see letters up close but you can spot idiots from miles away
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
