Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”

People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food

Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.

When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.

If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth

I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.

6. me as a lawyer

When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?

“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir

Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?

Because it requires two i’s.

I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.

12. I think about this all the damn time

It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18

And that’s just for the alcohol

I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.

[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends

Netflix: We have Less

When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything

[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil

I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.

The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.

My boys are gamers and I’m single

It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing

Basketball games are very squeaky.

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news

[heist]

Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe

Thief: well?

Me: omg…

[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]

Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?

Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.