Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.

SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK

Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?

The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.

Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…

I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.

Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?

Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.

almost typed dame instead of same and why don’t we say “same, dame” instead of “girl, same”

We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.

At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”

She gets it..

boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.

me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?

Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think

Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”

Don’t get angry…

…get pizza.

I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary

Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently

My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family

We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”

I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.

I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)

Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.

stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses

It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.