Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool

I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.

Is this your resume?

“Yep”

It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away

“Oh yes”

Welcome to UPS!

Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both

Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these

Me: they call me Fred Flintstone

Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?

Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself

Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.

Her: pull my hair!

Edward Scissorhands: oops

Her: why oops?

WIFE: The police are at the front door

ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!

EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.

Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.

No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.

Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”

Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”

My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.

*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*

After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.

Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously

I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…

5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?

Me: What?

5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends