Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex

Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.

“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”

“$3.23.”

“Oh, and a bottle of water.”

“$87.54. Please drive thru.”

*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*

I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.

ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise

cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado

Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.

No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.

the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first

Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?

How do you get down from an elephant?

You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese

Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*

“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

me: why can’t I crack this egg open

wife: because it’s a lemon

me: first my car and now this

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.

Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan

Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.

I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …

In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot

“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.

alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap

[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no

My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days

[at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*

[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter

getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it

Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake