Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
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king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh