Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
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Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve