“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
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Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”