“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
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[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.