Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
You Might Also Like
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
