Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
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Spa day..😅
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
look scared
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
You’re goddamn right I’m touching the plate immediately after you warn me it’s hot
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.