Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
You Might Also Like
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Jus’ sayin. 😐
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.