Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
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Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Husband of the year 😂
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.