Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
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“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
So sorry
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it