OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
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Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
When they try to steal your moment.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
man: wait
time: no
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.