Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things

People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.

Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?

All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?

Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream

Attention fat vegans:

Explain.

Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone

3yo: I need you to fix this.

Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.

3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.

Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.

Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s

I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.

ME: *walks by to put anything away*

WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there

“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.

“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”

“Really “?

“No”

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.

Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow

Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women

You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great

My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time

there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary

Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now

Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.

If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home

I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.