Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
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Brilliant!
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to
?” You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
I’m being attacked 😭
I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Just got to our Airbnb!
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman