Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
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My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
The old gods are rising again.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.