“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
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[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]