Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?

I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy

every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy

Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*

What is going on? 😅

Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf

The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.

Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …

Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.

A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.

“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”

GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned

HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no

Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”

[working from home]

8:00am: wake up

8:30am: eat cereal

8:30-noon: can’t remember

noon: open laptop

noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”

12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up

12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up

1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp

I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.

My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.

Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?

waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that

me: yes

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.

Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”

I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.

*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.

My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…

So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.

waiter: what would you like for breakfast?

me: toast

waiter: that’s weird but ok

[taps glass with fork]

waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends

Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”

Kong’s very sensitive.

when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”

*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*

You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.

remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.