‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
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Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*