‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
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*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
HERE’S MARKY
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”