ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
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Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
be careful
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
this is the kind of friend i am
