Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”

[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.

Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.

Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“

Me: He’s trying to silence me.

When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.

Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.

“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]

Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*

A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:

Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.

Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.

WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.

ME: oh yeah? How much?

WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.

ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]

HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!

M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome

Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.

Ominous sub-editing fail of the day

Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*

does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual

They grow up so quick

Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!

*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!

Which is it, brain?

Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!

I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.

As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.

Those deemed suspicious, are mine.

A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends

The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”

That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”

Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?

2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod

2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod

bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is

me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot

bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?

Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?

Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?

Son: yes

Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire

Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.