Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
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If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y