Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
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The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!