Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
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I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Would you wear it?
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
All the characters in the 2006 sci-fi comedy ‘Idiocracy’ wear Crocs because the costume designer thought they were futuristic and too ugly to ever become popular in real life
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.