Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
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Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
uncle dave has been through hell
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
(trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it’s popping at the farg tonight!
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.