Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.

Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.

All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.

I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.

it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.

Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.

Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*

Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.

If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar

I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.

My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.

I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.

I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.

*First Date*

Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL

Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.

Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.

Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).

1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping

“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants

Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!

Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.

Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

[face to face with a serial killer]

Me: So this is how it ends.

SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.

“How’s your day going?”

just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great

Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones

Me: how’d you get out of the casket

canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy