Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
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Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.