Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
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Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans