Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom

usher: bride or groom

me: just a guest

usher: no which are you here for

me: neither I’m married

Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏

they should invent a hydrating liquor

EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo

SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it

I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.

ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness

STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no

Probably just poor graphic design…

Still not gonna drink from it.

Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?

yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please

If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something

person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi

Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?

If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks

[dollar store]

“how much for your finest dollar?”

mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.

5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids

Me: it’ll be me

5yo: eh, probably not

Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.

If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.

Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: can I give some feedback?

me: what did I just say

Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.

Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: What do we have here?

ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?