ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
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I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.