Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this

Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life

Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?

The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.

Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.

*me struggling with life*

I guess I should start watching a new show.

i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard

Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances

Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake

ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle

My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.

You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

lmaaaaaooooooooo

Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”

Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.

He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”

When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.

Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.

I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.

Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.

On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art

“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.

I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”

The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.

*has elbow pain*

*checks WebMD*

*buys a burial plot*

You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.